I feel.
I feel.
I feel stuck in a perpetual cycle of restlessness. Sometimes I feel under stimulated and over stimulated all at once. I often wonder, are there any people out there who can relate to this feeling I have of waiting for something to switch over in life to finally blast me into the direction of destiny? What has come from all of these trials and tears? I almost feel unworthy of them. The greatness I expect to come from this pruning, this straining of my soul, seems untouchable, unattainable. What does that say about me, that while in the most confusing time in my life the fruits of sorrow yield a crop of mediocrity?
I used to feel crippled by the amount of chaos in life that required all of my physical and emotional strength, but now I feel crippled by the standing still. Two sides of a spectrum, both just as difficult to endure. I keep saying that I cannot do more than what I am already doing, which is basically holding things together by a strand that is waiting to pop at any moment. Something inside of my mind is telling me that there is more within me just waiting to be brought up to the surface, that the impurities in gold come to the surface when the heat is applied. Do I want the pure gold, or do I want to exploit the impurities to release them into the atmosphere so I can't revisit them on my own and weep over them. "Give them away", I say to myself, "why hold on to the hurt?" I keep expecting the reprieve I feel so entitled to. I am discouraged by this waiting and waiting.
Today being still is harder than it was yesterday. Everyday that passes is a day closer to new beginnings and I feel an overwhelming sense of unpreparedness.
