For Rene

You asked me to write this, so here goes. The only way I remember we had genuine good times is when I look at old photos of us from eleven years ago. Without those images, I cannot remember the good times on my own. When I think of you now, almost immediately and inevitably, I feel an intense sadness that I am always trying to hide for the sake of our family. Things are different now, and no matter how hard I try I can't change how much damage has been done. I am angry with you.

I am angry,
for every single time you made me feel like I was totally alone after our sons died;
For talking to me like I wasn't worthy of your love or respect;
For making me feel terrible after I pour out my heart to you;
For every time you laughed in response to my tears;
For emotionally abandoning me in the hardest moments;
For holding on to your pride and elevating it above us;
For blaming me and blaming me and blaming me and blaming me;
For never being genuinely sorry for breaking my heart;
For emotionally neglecting me when I was pregnant with Mateo;
For dismissing how serious and painful it was to have him;
For screaming at me in front of my children;
For thinking that years worth of damage could be erased and forgotten about just because you think I should just get over it;
For rejecting my every desire for romance in our relationship and calling me an asshole when I mentioned it;
For showing me that you don't think I am worth any effort that would require more of your time;
For buying me flowers when I wanted to leave you, and never before, or after, ever again.
For making me explain these things to you over and over and over again.

For making me give up a life that I loved with my children to give so YOU could have the chance to be more present in our lives. It was better when you could go away, at least then loneliness had an excuse.
I lie to myself when I say I am ok. The truth is I am not ok. I want to hold myself back from you. I don't trust you with my heart at all. I don't believe you when you say you love me. I am always waiting for you to stop "trying" and show your true colors. I chased you for so many years, and now I just want to run from you.
What am I supposed to do? I keep lying to myself but the truth bubbles up and I can't ignore it. But you can. You can ignore what you don't like. You get to leave our home and pretend like everything is ok. You get to judge everything I do. Nothing I do is ever good enough for you. I am angry with you. That is the truth. I can't turn it off