How can we reconcile?

As I sit here by the computer listening to Israel Houghton's "Hosanna", my heart and mind engage in a battle that has become exhausting and frustrating. I don't know how to reconcile what the bible says about Gods goodness with what has happened in my life, and in the lives of so many people in the world. My life is a series of moments; ones where I am living without thinking about living, and ones where I am not really sure if I am really here, and I feel disconnected from everyone and everything. I feel a part of me existing in a place that I cannot see or describe.

God know I need him more now than ever, and I need a burning bush experience so bad. Im out here in the woods and I feel like it should be easier for Him to get to me, for him to show himself. I don't know who God is.

Invisible

Today I feel so invisible. The end of the year has come and a dark cloud has set in over my heart. I frequently feel more hopeless nowadays then not. The more time passes the more I dont want to continue the lie that I am feeling/getting better. It is not getting any easier and today I feel absolutely disconnected from everything and everyone. I never knew that I could feel this bad. These next few weeks are suppose to contain some joy being that my Bella is turning a year old, Krisy will be 9 soon and the holidays are coming back around. The truth is I cringe at the thought of having to be surrounded by a bunch of people. I am not ready, at this point, to meet any new people, and I don't want to be around a bunch of people who are suppose to be family but never once bothered to call Rene or myself to see how we were doing after all of this tragedy we have gone through. I don't want to play a part, smiling and laughing, joking and faking. But I don't want to ruin these times for everyone else. I don't want to be the one who takes the joy from these days from my husband and the kids. A huge part of me wants to tell him to go on without me to celebrate but how could I? That is selfish and as bad as I feel already I know I will feel so much worse if I miss out on these next few birthdays and holidays simply because I cant get out of bed or because I am letting my emotions take over. I'm afraid of falling apart on Bellas birthday, I should be feeling such joy, but Im so fucking sad!!! and Im pissed at myself that I cant get it together. Im tired, physically, emotionally.

God I need you to do something NOW, not soon, not in time, not later NOW NOW NOW. I feel like my faith is slipping, I feel like if you dont do something now I will disappear. If you truly hear me if you really love me DO SOMETHING!

Admiration for Krisy

So it has begun; Kris is a fourth grader at a new school, in a new state. The first morning of school she was already awake when I went to wake her, we both said good morning and smiled at one another. All the routines of the morning were fulfilled, and she wore this adorable dress and I did her hair. We went with the bow bun that she loves. As I was taking pictures to send to daddy, and of course to post on Facebook, I had a moment. I saw her as a baby, chubby and adorable, the light in my life for so long. This child has been the driving force that has kept me looking forward through all of the things I have been through since she was born. I admire how brave she was when the school bus finally came and even though she was nervous, she climbed on and sat down. I tried to get her attention but failed. When the school bus doors closed, my heart was sad. I miss her. Summer time spoils me with her all day presence. This morning she didn't hurry and wasn't able to sit in the seat she "claimed" and she was sad, even cried a bit. She breathed on the window and asked to go home, of course I said no, and then she breathed again on the window and etched out " I <3 U"...and I pointed to my eye, my heart, and then to her. The bus pulled off and I was sad; no parent likes to see their child cry without trying to help somehow, I had to let her go on her way.

If Kristin has to get up everyday to face the day, then I must do the same. If she can find joy in the things in her life, then I have to do the same. If this little brave exceptional girl steps out of the house ready to face this tough world, I cannot be anything short of brave as well. So today and from now on I will use her as the example. I admire her so much.

What happened to my life?...

Its been ten days. Ten days since I moved to Pennsylvania and I have experienced a huge roller coaster of emotions. My family, especially my little sister, have been helpful in cleaning up what was a huge mess of boxes and clutter. Bella got sick for the first time and needed antibiotics, I am sick with what feels like a sinus infection. Tomorrow my sister will be going home and taking my Zachary with her. I will miss them terribly. I have to say, I knew that this transition, this huge change in our lives, was going to be hard, but its taken ten days for me to realize that once again life as I knew it is over and now I have to start over yet again. New beginnings are suppose to be scary, or so I have heard. I'm petrified.  I'm frozen. The distractions I had in NY are far away and now I have to face my life, and I don't know how. Choosing between dealing with this grief that grips me tightly and having to be alert and present for Kristin and Bella is a challenge I don't know if I am able to face. How do I choose between my daughters who are here, and my sons who are not?...I cant do both right now because I just dont know how. Why did God bring me out here to the woods, where I am forced to look at my life and myself without any buffer? I feel as if my heart is being ripped into pieces.

She wont let go, I wont let go

 The me that exists inside, is fine with not coming out to see the light of day ever. She is telling me that it is ok to stay there with her and my sons, and I am mesmerized by this idea and I give in and despair. I only became aware of "her" existence recently. She is the part of me that is not traumatized by this great loss because she is there holding Jonah and Ryan, stroking their heads kissing their faces, denying reality. I am divided in two, I exist where you all can see me, and I exist there with her and them and I love the place she is at because I get to be with them as well. This is my hiding place, my refuge when everything else on the outside is forcing me into reality.

I have recently been overcome with a draining sadness. Its becoming harder and harder to block the world out of this hiding place, because the real world is invading. I am both furious and devastated that I cannot continue the false hope that I can mend what has happened and reconcile both worlds. I can no longer linger with her for too long because it is becoming a scary place to be in. What once made me feel almost safe now makes me feel scared and lonely. It was always so, but denial blurred my vision.

 If I don't do something, the real me, the one I see in the mirror, the one that is typing now, will never feel alive again. And I want to live, I want to feel life and be connected again to the world. I want to laugh without guilt. I want to love without sorrow, I want to feel alive. But this means I have to confront her. I have to tell her that I cant stay with her. I have to bring her to the light of reality and give her a choice to live or die. And choosing to die means accepting the fact that Jonah and Ryan are not there, they are not here. They in fact died. And I'm not ready to let her know, because I'm still holding on to them with a vicious grip. I wont let go. So how can I ask her to?

I'm afraid of her, the betrayal I can imagine she will feel when I try to show her what I already know has happened, will be like a knife in her heart. I have made it this far only because she protected me. She covered me when I was exposed, she caressed my faced when tears burned into my skin. I cant say goodbye because she will take them with her. I wont let her leave, I know I don't have the strength. But I'm afraid of disappearing.

Coming home??

As I stepped back into my apartment after being away for a three day weekend, I felt like I crossed over into a different dimension. A fog I couldn't shake overtook me, I felt as if I were going in and out of focus. I tried to shake it off, after all my little sister was turning the big 24, she deserved for our dinner out as a family to be about her and drama free.
When I got home I felt drained, and sad. Our trip to Massachusetts to see our very dear friends was filled with many emotions; lots of laughs and good times, but a church visit was overwhelmingly sad. It was in that very church that a minister prayed for Rene and I to bless us with a baby two years ago. It was a month afterwards that I got pregnant with Jonah and Ryan. It was bitter to be there without them. I could imagine them there with us, the true pure answer to my deepest prayers, now just the reminder of the most devastating event in my life, and the reality that this path I'm currently walking on has ensnared me in a vicious cycle that I wont fight to untangle makes me want to crawl under a rock. The tears flowed. I looked over at Rene holding my baby girl, and the thought that she is here because they are not hardened my face." I love you Bella, so much, but you aren't them." After I thought this I felt sad, because she should never have to be in that place in my thoughts, but sometimes she is, and I feel guilty about that. She is the joy in my days, my beautiful miracle that I cherish every moment, and I have to make that clear because it is important. But she is Bella, not Jonah or Ryan, and even though I know no one will fill the void they have left in me, I think I secretly hoped she would make it smaller. Its not that easy, children are irreplaceable.
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Angry book reading

I recently purchased a book from B&N the Saturday before Mother's Day. Its called "When Your Child Dies, Tools For Mending Broken Hearts", by Avril Nagel and Randie Clark. I found this book while looking for an inspirational book for my little sister as a gift for mothers day. I walked past this book, and a few others like it, over ten times. I always thought self help books were a great idea, for other people, but I never thought any of those books could really help me in any significant life changing way. As I began reading it  all of a sudden I was filled with this anger and frustration. I don't want to be reading a book about grief, post traumatic stress disorder, and how to "mend" my broken heart. I am mad as hell that I have joined this unfortunate group of people who have lost their children! I'm angry. I'm sad. I feel utterly lost. Will this be it? Will the story of my life end up in someone's story shared in their attempt at encouraging someone else that they too can "mend"? What happens if I don't want to "mend"? Can those around me love me even if I'm just a shell of a person? What if I just want to stay with my beautiful sons in the moments I held them and died? What will happen if nothing in the world can pull me from that?

The resistance to "mend" is incredibly strong. The grief is consuming some days, other days I'm so numb I couldn't really tell you whats going on inside of me.

("Keep reading Michelle")...I will, but with lots and lots of cynicism.

Mom after death

I have to join the land of the living soon. There is a part of me who wants to stay here with my sons, in the memory of holding them close and kissing their little faces, where I could still smell their skin and mentally record everything I could about them, and never let go. I wake up to them everyday, to feel the absence they have left in my life. How can I connect the two halves of myself?

Jonah and Ryan, everyday I live you live. Every breath I take you breathe. The love I have for you is palpable even though I can't touch you. I'm scared of this journey through life without you. I need to join in now, so Kristin and Bella can have a mom too, not just half of a mom, but a whole one. I never stop loving you.