I recently purchased a book from B&N the Saturday before Mother's Day. Its called "When Your Child Dies, Tools For Mending Broken Hearts", by Avril Nagel and Randie Clark. I found this book while looking for an inspirational book for my little sister as a gift for mothers day. I walked past this book, and a few others like it, over ten times. I always thought self help books were a great idea, for other people, but I never thought any of those books could really help me in any significant life changing way. As I began reading it all of a sudden I was filled with this anger and frustration. I don't want to be reading a book about grief, post traumatic stress disorder, and how to "mend" my broken heart. I am mad as hell that I have joined this unfortunate group of people who have lost their children! I'm angry. I'm sad. I feel utterly lost. Will this be it? Will the story of my life end up in someone's story shared in their attempt at encouraging someone else that they too can "mend"? What happens if I don't want to "mend"? Can those around me love me even if I'm just a shell of a person? What if I just want to stay with my beautiful sons in the moments I held them and died? What will happen if nothing in the world can pull me from that?
The resistance to "mend" is incredibly strong. The grief is consuming some days, other days I'm so numb I couldn't really tell you whats going on inside of me.
("Keep reading Michelle")...I will, but with lots and lots of cynicism.
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