The Season of Eclipse

If I close my eyes tight enough I can transport myself back to a different time.

I can close my eyes and I can see your faces. I can almost feel the warmth of your skin under my lips as I kiss you and tell you "I love you." I have been holding back the tears more this year. I keep thinking that time isn't doing its job, I feel such acute grief daily. A part of me is trying to diminish this sadness, and I find myself apologizing for still being here at this place, unable to stand and face this even after so much time has passed. 

There is no sunshine in this season. I always think of how fitting it was, that you died in the fall. Even the trees shed their leaves in mourning. The sky was grey and the cold wind blew straight through to the bone. The moon covered the sun and became too sad to move again. My tears fell and covered the earth. I imagined having to wade through it, wanting everyone to feel the pain I was feeling. I wanted everyone to stop and look up at the eclipse while standing in the puddles of my tears. I wanted everyone to be just as paralyzed as I was. To my loves,

Desperate Grief...

It is almost the end of the year. Every year since Jonah and Ryan died grief is present in every single day. Once October starts I feel myself being sucked into a dark lonely place. Once their birthday arrives I just want to crawl under a rock and disappear. I don't want to be seen, I don't want to talk to anyone. Its terrible and I hate it. I feel robbed, cheated, disappointed, frustrated and angry. 

This event has defined my life. I hate to say that I give in to being consumed, but it has a way of creeping in, hypnotizing me, and when I snap out of a trance-like state, I find I have been defeated once more. Not one thing has been saved from this tragedy. Anything I am doing, or lately everything I am not doing is directly tied to their passing. It is an enormous weight. 

There are moments when I envy people who can find an escape. I cant even drink to ease the sorrow, I cant ever just disappear even temporarily because I have people who depend on me. If I cry either no one is there, or who ever is there is telling me not to cry, or they give me that look of desperation, because there is nothing they can do. 

I want to write more...

I want to express how I feel inside, everyday..all of the time but I can't.

The truth is I'm desperate...

I'm so desperate, and I'm tired of waiting for "one day".

Why the fuck did this happen?

Am I so terrible?

I love you so much my loves..I wish you could hear me.

Four years later the heartache has grown, it feels heavier.

Will I be crushed under its weight?...

I close my eyes and I see your faces and I feel sick to my stomach and my heart feels like its being stabbed over and over.

Help me...please.