First snow

As I sit here watching snowflakes falling, listening to music I notice that the tree across the street has finally lost all of its leaves. The wind is causing the snowflakes to dance around and it almost seems like they are dancing to the music i am listening to.

This time of year will always be difficult. I was optimistic this time around, and I really thought, somehow, that I would be OK. I often feel like chunks of time are missing from my days. I am not sure if I am tuning out or if my mind is playing tricks on me. I get swept away in the tender memory of you, and I grab a hold as hard as I can and stay there in that memory until it fades.

I would give anything just to hold you, to kiss you, to feel your warmth. Tomorrow is Thanksgiving, another holiday where we gather as a family and you are not here with us. There will be laughter and bittersweet moments.

I am thinking about the both of you. I never stop thinking of you both.

I am thankful for you...

Weary Heart

I am walking this path to find you...

The world where you exists is this great expanse consisting of confusing winding roads and everything on the ground reflects the silver sun above me. I can look directly into this sun. It fills me with warmth and a deceptive comfort that I just want to give into. I look away from it because if I stay looking up I am afraid this path will move and change my direction. I wont find you if I stay here. When I started this journey there were many promises made by those who love you, to stay and endure no matter how long it took to find you. They are all gone now. They stayed where the sun shone on them so brightly and were able to accept its warmth and comfort as enough to give in and give up. To them you are lost. 

Some days I forget why I am still walking this path. It seems that I am walking in circles and I am weary and so lonely. I cannot remember the sound of anyone's voice or the faces of any of my loved ones. When I am at my lowest I swear I can hear your hearts beating in the moon, it is the song that sings me to sleep every night. I tell myself that it is you calling for me, you are telling me you see me, not to give up because I am close to finding you.

I keep imagining a veil, one that I could just reach my arms through, that would allow me to get to your side. Have you grown in the years that have passed? Can you hear my voice crying out to you? When I say 'I love you', do you say it back to me? The part of me that died with you, is she there taking care of you?

Maybe you can't see that this terrible thing has happened. Maybe you are walking the same winding roads peacefully on the other side of the veil. My heart is weary. 

I close my eyes and imagine kissing your little hands and toes. I see and hear you laugh and smile. Sometimes it's so real, I reach out to touch you. In those moments the silver sun is the warmest and the gentlest. Its so hard to pull away from its deception. Are you in the moon above me? Is that why I can hear your hearts beating? 

My heart is weary. It is a heavy weight in my chest. My heart won't give up. 

Wishing I was celebrating you

Yesterday was the day you were both born. I fell asleep on the couch  on Tuesday night wanting to stay up until 2:20 am and 2:22 am on Wednesday, the time you were taken out of the womb. I failed. A small thing in the big picture, but it made me feel bad inside.

I want to be one of those moms who does something memorable, awesome and sweet to remember you on your birthday but I cannot bring myself to celebrate at all. I just give into feeling sad and angry. I laid on the couch after coming home from dropping Bella off at the bus stop, and I cried. Daddy had to work so I was alone for most of the day.

I showed Bella pictures of the two of you. I tried to explain to her that you are her brothers, and that you were in heaven. I see the two of you in her. I see her and imagine the both of you would look very similar to her. That brings be some kind of ease. She wouldn't be here had the two of you survived. I cannot imagine a world without her.

Kristin thinks of the two of you often. Her tears and questions will go unanswered because I haven't the slightest idea why the two of you died. I asked God to let me see you again this morning, as I lay on the couch crying. I closed my eyes and reached out wishing that there were some invisible tether that would allow me to somehow touch you where ever you are now. It isn't there.

When daddy came home I couldn't look at him. I imagine that if you had grown up to be men, you would look just like him. Its so hard to think about that, you won't ever grow up. You won't ever be here with us and I don't have words to express how sad that makes me, how angry it makes me.

I woke up today feeling like my heart is so heavy. I don't know if I will ever be able to celebrate your birthday. I am not able to do it right now. I love you.