"We are not human beings having a spiritual experience, we are spiritual beings having a human experience." Pierre Tellhard de Chardin
Recently my little one has been wanting to listen to "baby music", which is essentially instrumentals of songs we know from K love radio, before bed. The other night while looking for a new station to listen to, I came across a station that said it was for prayer and relaxation. Bella soon fell asleep but I could not. A song came on and it was just so beautiful to listen to. I was so moved by the sounds and all of a sudden I began to think of Jonah and Ryan, and whether or not they were hearing these sounds with me, I felt a strange and warm feeling come over me as I thought of the possibility of somehow being right there with them in a place I could not touch or see.
(Today my heart feels like a bruise in my chest...)
As I laid there and cried all I could pray was that God would please let them know that their earthly mother loves them so much. That they are always in my thoughts and heart and that I wait to see them one day. I hope for that. God knows that I am not where I want to be in this walk with Him. I have to be honest and say that I am terrified of many things. I want to hold on to thoughts of good, but nothing will ever change this part of my life. I will still weep as an old woman, if I get there, as I think of them. The hurt I feel all of the time wears me out. I want very much to live a full life, but I am afraid that I won't ever be able to. I'm not whole...
https://open.spotify.com/track/1uwFuFMAT1D2RL8ImGOKKu
