When I was 9 years old I remember I prayed the sinners prayer in Love Gospel Assembly with a woman name Jamila. I remember it very vividly, downstairs by the book nook, standing on her right as she prayed over me and I repeated the sinners prayer after her. That was the day I asked God into my heart. The journey from that moment to today has been a long and hard one. I had always felt connected to God. Throughout my entire youth I recall feeling like it was always God and I. For a long time I truly felt I knew who God was, I felt that he and I were bonded together in such a way that I could trust and believe him for anything and everything, and then my sons died.....
Fast forward twenty years later and I find myself feeling so far from God. I no longer feel that bond that I once cherished, and I no longer feel like I know who God is. The things I used to firmly, without a doubt, believe about God, the many songs I would sing of those good things the bible says about him, now do not bring the comfort they once did. Instead those feelings are replaced with frustration and sadness. I can no longer sing those songs with conviction because I can't bring myself to believe what they are saying. Disappointment causes fear. It causes me to put a shield over my heart, and keep my arms outstretched to keep him at a distance because the truth is I'm afraid of him.
No one ever told me that God wouldn't allow bad things to happen to me. The bible doesn't say it either. That belief was based on a lie I believed because of how I understood Gods love. Turns out I set myself up for the situation I find myself in now; unable and sometimes unwilling to allow God into my heart and life. He was my safe place, the one who wasn't going to break my heart, the one who would hear a mothers prayer for her sons and answer because of his faithfulness and love. All those prayers all that faith did me no good as I held both of my still born sons, so beautiful, still warm. The greatest blow ever dealt to a mothers heart, one that even the universe could feel. The realization that my faith in his power, the cry of my heart and the belief that he would perform a miracle if I just believed were not good enough to bring them back to life. That moment is distinct. Because I know that the moment I knew that they were dead, I felt myself die too. Its something you cant describe or understand, unless you have been there.
I have woken up every day since that day feeling a hollowness in my heart that I wish could be filled. Not to say anyone or anything could fill the void their death has left. There are still so many obstacles. I feel entitled to a break somehow, as if the measurement of suffering and heartache I have experienced merit some sort of reprieve from life's hardships. Believing in that lie is detrimental and although I know its not realistic, a part of me will believe that no matter what anyone says. I still experience heartaches and disappointment having nothing to do with my sons, life just continues even though I wish it could just slow down so I could catch up somehow.
I'm afraid of you father. I just cant let you get close to my heart right now. I don't know if I will ever be completely ready. If there is a way, its up to you to make it clear.
