How can we reconcile?

As I sit here by the computer listening to Israel Houghton's "Hosanna", my heart and mind engage in a battle that has become exhausting and frustrating. I don't know how to reconcile what the bible says about Gods goodness with what has happened in my life, and in the lives of so many people in the world. My life is a series of moments; ones where I am living without thinking about living, and ones where I am not really sure if I am really here, and I feel disconnected from everyone and everything. I feel a part of me existing in a place that I cannot see or describe.

God know I need him more now than ever, and I need a burning bush experience so bad. Im out here in the woods and I feel like it should be easier for Him to get to me, for him to show himself. I don't know who God is.

Invisible

Today I feel so invisible. The end of the year has come and a dark cloud has set in over my heart. I frequently feel more hopeless nowadays then not. The more time passes the more I dont want to continue the lie that I am feeling/getting better. It is not getting any easier and today I feel absolutely disconnected from everything and everyone. I never knew that I could feel this bad. These next few weeks are suppose to contain some joy being that my Bella is turning a year old, Krisy will be 9 soon and the holidays are coming back around. The truth is I cringe at the thought of having to be surrounded by a bunch of people. I am not ready, at this point, to meet any new people, and I don't want to be around a bunch of people who are suppose to be family but never once bothered to call Rene or myself to see how we were doing after all of this tragedy we have gone through. I don't want to play a part, smiling and laughing, joking and faking. But I don't want to ruin these times for everyone else. I don't want to be the one who takes the joy from these days from my husband and the kids. A huge part of me wants to tell him to go on without me to celebrate but how could I? That is selfish and as bad as I feel already I know I will feel so much worse if I miss out on these next few birthdays and holidays simply because I cant get out of bed or because I am letting my emotions take over. I'm afraid of falling apart on Bellas birthday, I should be feeling such joy, but Im so fucking sad!!! and Im pissed at myself that I cant get it together. Im tired, physically, emotionally.

God I need you to do something NOW, not soon, not in time, not later NOW NOW NOW. I feel like my faith is slipping, I feel like if you dont do something now I will disappear. If you truly hear me if you really love me DO SOMETHING!