She wont let go, I wont let go

 The me that exists inside, is fine with not coming out to see the light of day ever. She is telling me that it is ok to stay there with her and my sons, and I am mesmerized by this idea and I give in and despair. I only became aware of "her" existence recently. She is the part of me that is not traumatized by this great loss because she is there holding Jonah and Ryan, stroking their heads kissing their faces, denying reality. I am divided in two, I exist where you all can see me, and I exist there with her and them and I love the place she is at because I get to be with them as well. This is my hiding place, my refuge when everything else on the outside is forcing me into reality.

I have recently been overcome with a draining sadness. Its becoming harder and harder to block the world out of this hiding place, because the real world is invading. I am both furious and devastated that I cannot continue the false hope that I can mend what has happened and reconcile both worlds. I can no longer linger with her for too long because it is becoming a scary place to be in. What once made me feel almost safe now makes me feel scared and lonely. It was always so, but denial blurred my vision.

 If I don't do something, the real me, the one I see in the mirror, the one that is typing now, will never feel alive again. And I want to live, I want to feel life and be connected again to the world. I want to laugh without guilt. I want to love without sorrow, I want to feel alive. But this means I have to confront her. I have to tell her that I cant stay with her. I have to bring her to the light of reality and give her a choice to live or die. And choosing to die means accepting the fact that Jonah and Ryan are not there, they are not here. They in fact died. And I'm not ready to let her know, because I'm still holding on to them with a vicious grip. I wont let go. So how can I ask her to?

I'm afraid of her, the betrayal I can imagine she will feel when I try to show her what I already know has happened, will be like a knife in her heart. I have made it this far only because she protected me. She covered me when I was exposed, she caressed my faced when tears burned into my skin. I cant say goodbye because she will take them with her. I wont let her leave, I know I don't have the strength. But I'm afraid of disappearing.

Coming home??

As I stepped back into my apartment after being away for a three day weekend, I felt like I crossed over into a different dimension. A fog I couldn't shake overtook me, I felt as if I were going in and out of focus. I tried to shake it off, after all my little sister was turning the big 24, she deserved for our dinner out as a family to be about her and drama free.
When I got home I felt drained, and sad. Our trip to Massachusetts to see our very dear friends was filled with many emotions; lots of laughs and good times, but a church visit was overwhelmingly sad. It was in that very church that a minister prayed for Rene and I to bless us with a baby two years ago. It was a month afterwards that I got pregnant with Jonah and Ryan. It was bitter to be there without them. I could imagine them there with us, the true pure answer to my deepest prayers, now just the reminder of the most devastating event in my life, and the reality that this path I'm currently walking on has ensnared me in a vicious cycle that I wont fight to untangle makes me want to crawl under a rock. The tears flowed. I looked over at Rene holding my baby girl, and the thought that she is here because they are not hardened my face." I love you Bella, so much, but you aren't them." After I thought this I felt sad, because she should never have to be in that place in my thoughts, but sometimes she is, and I feel guilty about that. She is the joy in my days, my beautiful miracle that I cherish every moment, and I have to make that clear because it is important. But she is Bella, not Jonah or Ryan, and even though I know no one will fill the void they have left in me, I think I secretly hoped she would make it smaller. Its not that easy, children are irreplaceable.
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Angry book reading

I recently purchased a book from B&N the Saturday before Mother's Day. Its called "When Your Child Dies, Tools For Mending Broken Hearts", by Avril Nagel and Randie Clark. I found this book while looking for an inspirational book for my little sister as a gift for mothers day. I walked past this book, and a few others like it, over ten times. I always thought self help books were a great idea, for other people, but I never thought any of those books could really help me in any significant life changing way. As I began reading it  all of a sudden I was filled with this anger and frustration. I don't want to be reading a book about grief, post traumatic stress disorder, and how to "mend" my broken heart. I am mad as hell that I have joined this unfortunate group of people who have lost their children! I'm angry. I'm sad. I feel utterly lost. Will this be it? Will the story of my life end up in someone's story shared in their attempt at encouraging someone else that they too can "mend"? What happens if I don't want to "mend"? Can those around me love me even if I'm just a shell of a person? What if I just want to stay with my beautiful sons in the moments I held them and died? What will happen if nothing in the world can pull me from that?

The resistance to "mend" is incredibly strong. The grief is consuming some days, other days I'm so numb I couldn't really tell you whats going on inside of me.

("Keep reading Michelle")...I will, but with lots and lots of cynicism.

Mom after death

I have to join the land of the living soon. There is a part of me who wants to stay here with my sons, in the memory of holding them close and kissing their little faces, where I could still smell their skin and mentally record everything I could about them, and never let go. I wake up to them everyday, to feel the absence they have left in my life. How can I connect the two halves of myself?

Jonah and Ryan, everyday I live you live. Every breath I take you breathe. The love I have for you is palpable even though I can't touch you. I'm scared of this journey through life without you. I need to join in now, so Kristin and Bella can have a mom too, not just half of a mom, but a whole one. I never stop loving you.