Zombie mom

OK so this blog was inspired by me. After dropping off the little one to daycare, I walked to the car to drive back home and I caught a glimpse of myself in the driver side window. All I could see was ZOMBIE MOM!!! Yes run for your lives here she comes!
OK so I'm looking at my reflection and I am not pleased at all. I know its early morning and all and who am I out here to impress right? Me dammit! The older I have gotten the less interested I am in painting a face on so others could see less blemish. I have dark circles under my eyes, I have had them for years. They aren't going away and most concealers don't do the trick! Even still, whatever! Right??

So yes I look like zombie mom this morning, complete with baggy sweats, dark circles under my eyes, and fuzzy hair poking up in different directions because I took my hat off. I also feel like zombie mom. Not the way you might think, I am not into eating anyone so don't be afraid, your kids are safe. I just feel like I am dragging myself around waiting for something that will inspire a go get 'em response. I feel like I am walking around pretty aimlessly. I think whats happening on the inside of my mind is showing on the outside and man oh man its not pretty.

Zombie mom look sucks. Somethings gotta change.

Fog in my brain

The world is moving all around me. This is a very strange time in my life. I think recently I thought that I was becoming separate from Jonah and Ryan's death. I still do not think I have really been able to comprehend what has happened to me, what has happened to my life.

For now I am sticking to home life with the kids and all of the ups and downs that come along with having removed myself and my family from where we once lived and where our friends and family are. I think it is good for us to have this time where it is almost like we are in a different dimension. Or maybe its me that is in a different dimension. 

I am wondering if God has plucked me out of everything I once knew to put me in a new place where I could just be. I can just be who I am without any eyes or ears or minds to judge me. I can just feel, or not feel just exactly how I want to feel because now I have time. I have time to not snuff out my heartache because no one is expecting me to wear too many hats. With all of this time I am still not in touch with my own feelings and I avoid thinking about them too much because I am so afraid of being completely consumed with the grief that always comes when I begin to remember all of those sad moments.  

I am very prone to embracing distractions. I am binge watching a show right now and it takes up hours of my time and I don't really care. Well that's not 100% true, I think the part of me that cares is not as loud in my head as the part of me that doesn't care. I'm not sure why this is happening. I am accepting life for what it is right now and struggling with what the future holds for me. I am struggling with Gods plan for my life because I haven't a clue what those plans are.

Am I winning or losing right now? Does it matter? I think I'm losing for now, but I have hope that I will be on the winning side soon. 

I don't even know if any of this makes any sense....