What happened to my life?...

Its been ten days. Ten days since I moved to Pennsylvania and I have experienced a huge roller coaster of emotions. My family, especially my little sister, have been helpful in cleaning up what was a huge mess of boxes and clutter. Bella got sick for the first time and needed antibiotics, I am sick with what feels like a sinus infection. Tomorrow my sister will be going home and taking my Zachary with her. I will miss them terribly. I have to say, I knew that this transition, this huge change in our lives, was going to be hard, but its taken ten days for me to realize that once again life as I knew it is over and now I have to start over yet again. New beginnings are suppose to be scary, or so I have heard. I'm petrified.  I'm frozen. The distractions I had in NY are far away and now I have to face my life, and I don't know how. Choosing between dealing with this grief that grips me tightly and having to be alert and present for Kristin and Bella is a challenge I don't know if I am able to face. How do I choose between my daughters who are here, and my sons who are not?...I cant do both right now because I just dont know how. Why did God bring me out here to the woods, where I am forced to look at my life and myself without any buffer? I feel as if my heart is being ripped into pieces.