For Rene

You asked me to write this, so here goes. The only way I remember we had genuine good times is when I look at old photos of us from eleven years ago. Without those images, I cannot remember the good times on my own. When I think of you now, almost immediately and inevitably, I feel an intense sadness that I am always trying to hide for the sake of our family. Things are different now, and no matter how hard I try I can't change how much damage has been done. I am angry with you.

I am angry,
for every single time you made me feel like I was totally alone after our sons died;
For talking to me like I wasn't worthy of your love or respect;
For making me feel terrible after I pour out my heart to you;
For every time you laughed in response to my tears;
For emotionally abandoning me in the hardest moments;
For holding on to your pride and elevating it above us;
For blaming me and blaming me and blaming me and blaming me;
For never being genuinely sorry for breaking my heart;
For emotionally neglecting me when I was pregnant with Mateo;
For dismissing how serious and painful it was to have him;
For screaming at me in front of my children;
For thinking that years worth of damage could be erased and forgotten about just because you think I should just get over it;
For rejecting my every desire for romance in our relationship and calling me an asshole when I mentioned it;
For showing me that you don't think I am worth any effort that would require more of your time;
For buying me flowers when I wanted to leave you, and never before, or after, ever again.
For making me explain these things to you over and over and over again.

For making me give up a life that I loved with my children to give so YOU could have the chance to be more present in our lives. It was better when you could go away, at least then loneliness had an excuse.
I lie to myself when I say I am ok. The truth is I am not ok. I want to hold myself back from you. I don't trust you with my heart at all. I don't believe you when you say you love me. I am always waiting for you to stop "trying" and show your true colors. I chased you for so many years, and now I just want to run from you.
What am I supposed to do? I keep lying to myself but the truth bubbles up and I can't ignore it. But you can. You can ignore what you don't like. You get to leave our home and pretend like everything is ok. You get to judge everything I do. Nothing I do is ever good enough for you. I am angry with you. That is the truth. I can't turn it off

Is it ok? I tell myself..

"You are almost dead. You are not in a grave but soon enough, you will be."

I tell myself that on nights like tonight when I can feel my heart filling with hatred for you.

I tell myself that at my age I should be done with this anger, that these tears can't possibly be the remnant from an old life I have tried with all my might to stash away, but nonetheless, they flow out of my soul like blood coming from a fresh wound.

I tell myself that the lump in my throat is only in my mind, and the sick feeling I am feeling right now is me giving in to anxiety which is not real, so I shouldn't feel it even if I do feel it because I don't have time to feel it and people depend on me to have it all together.

I tell myself that there is nothing I can do about the past, and even if there was, what could I possibly do now that would heal or erase the violation of the purest trust?

I tell myself that replaying the horrors over and over again on a loop, that I cannot control, is bad, bad, bad for me, but I cannot stop the movie in my mind from replaying without interruption.

I tell myself that there is no one in the world that wants to hear my story because everyone is powerless to change it, it is mine and no one else can feel how I feel, so I bottle it up inside. I have spent too much of my life hiding this rage.

I tell myself that poor people don't have time to stop and get the help we need because we have bills and things, and life has to go on for the sake of my kids. If I drop the ball now, everything will come tumbling down and when failure follows, it will be my fault and everyone will blame me for their shortcomings and I will believe them and absorb all of their contempt into the deep recesses of my soul.

I tell myself that the whole world can see me naked in my suit of shame and their eyes look at me with pity, "poor lady" they say. Can I then finish dying of this terrible illness that has been plaguing my soul?

Tomorrow I will face the world with a mask on. Everyone will look at it and tell me how fine it really is and I will pretend I don't notice them staring at me, or are they?

I tell myself it will all be ok soon. I don't believe it.

I can't sleep

It is 1:03 am on a Thursday and I can't fall asleep. Ogres are threatening to invade this new world I have been living in for the last few years. I can't hear or see them but I can smell them. The stench is unbearable and it makes my stomach feel uneasy like when something bad has happened and life has been changed forever. You know the feeling, it makes you feel like you need to puke but nothing comes out, so you sit there just hoping sleep will take it all away.

I can't sleep. I am feeling a very uncomfortable and familiar anxiety about someone coming into my room at night to poke me with his fingers while I pretend to be asleep because I am so paralyzed with fear I can barely breath. I hear keys and steps and there is a crack of light and the sound of footsteps getting closer and closer and closer. There is a voice that calls me by a nickname my sweet grandma gave me and I cannot remain in my skin when he says it because my grandma loves me with a pure heart and she gave me that name and how dare he use it?! If I lay still and close my eyes maybe he will believe I am asleep and I will believe it too and he can do what he came to do and get it over with so I can come back into my body and go to sleep finally because I am so tired.

I can't sleep because I am not that girl anymore but I can still feel her living inside of my heart and I have hidden her away in a dark room trying to pretend she is fine but I know better.

I hate these damn sleeping ogres who camp out next to my new world, stinking it up with their fowl bodies.

Destiny Postponed

I feel.
I feel.
I feel stuck in a perpetual cycle of restlessness. Sometimes I feel under stimulated and over stimulated all at once. I often wonder, are there any people out there who can relate to this feeling I have of waiting for something to switch over in life to finally blast me into the direction of destiny? What has come from all of these trials and tears? I almost feel unworthy of them. The greatness I expect to come from this pruning, this straining of my soul, seems untouchable, unattainable. What does that say about me, that while in the most confusing time in my life the fruits of sorrow yield a crop of mediocrity? 

I used to feel crippled by the amount of chaos in life that required all of my physical and emotional strength, but now I feel crippled by the standing still. Two sides of a spectrum, both just as difficult to endure. I keep saying that I cannot do more than what I am already doing, which is basically holding things together by a strand that is waiting to pop at any moment. Something inside of my mind is telling me that there is more within me just waiting to be brought up to the surface, that the impurities in gold come to the surface when the heat is applied. Do I want the pure gold, or do I want to exploit the impurities to release them into the atmosphere so I can't revisit them on my own and weep over them. "Give them away", I say to myself, "why hold on to the hurt?" I keep expecting the reprieve I feel so entitled to. I am discouraged by this waiting and waiting.

Today being still is harder than it was yesterday. Everyday that passes is a day closer to new beginnings and I feel an overwhelming sense of unpreparedness.

Standing Still Because I Can't Move

"When I am afraid, I put my trust in you"(Psalm 56:3)

I am currently standing still while there is so much happening all around me. The only power I have over anything is the power to surrender it over to God and wait. There is an unspoken power in standing still. Standing still when there is a storm around me means I am not panicking, it means that, although it would make more sense to some for me to reach out to others for answers, desperately seeking  a solution, something in my spirit has finally understood that God is in control. 

It's humbling and heartbreaking to give up worry and power, perceived or real, when those are my go-to coping mechanisms. It feels like I am waiting for God to reach into my life and make something out of nothing. But as His Word says, "Greater is He that is in me than he that is in the world" (1st John 4:4). So while I stand small in stature, surrounded by these giants in my life, I know that God almighty stands with me. He knows that there are many battles to be fought along the way, but He has already made a way, and given my family and I the victory over them all. 

So while my heart hurts, and I am facing some impossible looking circumstances, I know that He knows the beginning from the end. He is telling my story. So when I am tempted to give into self-pity, and desperation as if I have no hope, I can say what David said, "Why are you downcast oh my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise Him my savior and my God" (Psalm 42:5).

Amen. 

Snow and Tears

I walk out among the snow and ice, and sigh. Snow has fallen, and fallen, and I have shoveled and shoveled. The cold has made ice. There are clouds in the sky. Yesterday, for five glorious minutes, the sun came out and shone on my face and for those few minutes I felt like the whole world paused. I wonder if where you are you can feel the kind of warmth the sun gives. Today is a bad day for me. I want to cry, to let it all out so I don't keep this lump in my throat a secret for everyone's sake. I am afraid of crying today. I feel like there is  a river of tears wanting to push through, but at this point what will my tears do?

I want to call out your names, but the silence that would follow would be too unbearable. I am angry and hurting and lonely. Today I am not ok. Today I have to be ok because no one can help me carry this burden. There are too many things to do; kids to care for, food to cook, a house to clean, and work to finish up. I am last, and I hate that today.

Sometimes I just want to sleep and sleep and sleep and sleep..
There are too many hurts coming from different directions, and I am tired in my heart...
Today is a bad day for me, and I cannot change that.

First snow

As I sit here watching snowflakes falling, listening to music I notice that the tree across the street has finally lost all of its leaves. The wind is causing the snowflakes to dance around and it almost seems like they are dancing to the music i am listening to.

This time of year will always be difficult. I was optimistic this time around, and I really thought, somehow, that I would be OK. I often feel like chunks of time are missing from my days. I am not sure if I am tuning out or if my mind is playing tricks on me. I get swept away in the tender memory of you, and I grab a hold as hard as I can and stay there in that memory until it fades.

I would give anything just to hold you, to kiss you, to feel your warmth. Tomorrow is Thanksgiving, another holiday where we gather as a family and you are not here with us. There will be laughter and bittersweet moments.

I am thinking about the both of you. I never stop thinking of you both.

I am thankful for you...