A Piece of Grief

In a dream, I perceived that I had the ability to separate myself from grief. It was possible through centering all of the emotion and physical exhaustion and opening my mouth to let it out. The process was similar to vomiting and it felt just as bad. It took much longer than I expected to come out and wore me out so badly that I ended up on the ground barely conscious. As I lay there with my face in the vomit I immediately felt that I had made a mistake. To be laying motionless in my own grief, alone, and still feeling like I had not really separated myself from it, was far worse than just allowing it to remain a part of me. 

I know, and have known for a little while now, that there is no real way I can be free of this grief. To be rid of it would be to completely wipe Jonah and Ryan from my memory, and even then, my heart still won't let go, and would fight to make me remember them. There is no way that I could ever do that anyway. If I close my eyes, their faces are vivid in my mind. Their small faces seared into my memory, and I can still feel their warm heads as I kissed them. I remember Ryan's bloody lips and thinking that my son suffered. I knew he had fought because all over the skin on his face was the evidence of a struggle. I remember feeling that he was like me, a fighter, and although he gave it his all,  he lost the fight to stay alive. I worry that he felt panic in his tiny heart. One moment he was OK and the next he was struggling to stay alive. I was so close, yet I could do nothing to help him. He was my beautiful boy and I lost him forever. 

Jonah, my beautiful boy, if he struggled as much as Ryan, he didn't show the evidence of such a struggle. Anyone looking at him would believe he was just asleep. And he was, eternally asleep. His skin was also so warm, but unlike his brother, he was clean and his skin almost glowed. His cheeks were round and soft. I could still see Rene holding him, and hear him proclaim his love for him while tears fell from his eyes. My beautiful sons didn't have a chance. 

I know what death feels like. I carry it in my chest and it reminds me that I will never really be completely alive again. It is there always reminding me that I am not bound to this earth. It reminds me that one day I have a place to go, and that that place is where I will find them. They will be waiting for me, and I will finally be whole again. 

In a Storm

I live in a storm
The storm has made me an amputee
I was once whole and now I will never be again
I can recall the sound of two heartbeats
I once had three within me, now my own beats so loudly
Its trying to make up for the lack of heart beats

I was once more than I will ever be again
I used to know something
I used to feel full of potential
There was once a more substantial purpose I believed in
But now I can't see too far in front of me because tears blur my view

If I could lay all of this down I am not sure I would
I cannot let go
There are unwritten things that can only be understood when you go through the door of the storm

Images of life before this storm appear in lights
They show me the past but I don't really remember
If not for these flashes of light I could believe I didn't exist before the storm

If you would only cause the storm to calm
If you would just say to it "peace"
Then I know I could survive