First snow

As I sit here watching snowflakes falling, listening to music I notice that the tree across the street has finally lost all of its leaves. The wind is causing the snowflakes to dance around and it almost seems like they are dancing to the music i am listening to.

This time of year will always be difficult. I was optimistic this time around, and I really thought, somehow, that I would be OK. I often feel like chunks of time are missing from my days. I am not sure if I am tuning out or if my mind is playing tricks on me. I get swept away in the tender memory of you, and I grab a hold as hard as I can and stay there in that memory until it fades.

I would give anything just to hold you, to kiss you, to feel your warmth. Tomorrow is Thanksgiving, another holiday where we gather as a family and you are not here with us. There will be laughter and bittersweet moments.

I am thinking about the both of you. I never stop thinking of you both.

I am thankful for you...

Weary Heart

I am walking this path to find you...

The world where you exists is this great expanse consisting of confusing winding roads and everything on the ground reflects the silver sun above me. I can look directly into this sun. It fills me with warmth and a deceptive comfort that I just want to give into. I look away from it because if I stay looking up I am afraid this path will move and change my direction. I wont find you if I stay here. When I started this journey there were many promises made by those who love you, to stay and endure no matter how long it took to find you. They are all gone now. They stayed where the sun shone on them so brightly and were able to accept its warmth and comfort as enough to give in and give up. To them you are lost. 

Some days I forget why I am still walking this path. It seems that I am walking in circles and I am weary and so lonely. I cannot remember the sound of anyone's voice or the faces of any of my loved ones. When I am at my lowest I swear I can hear your hearts beating in the moon, it is the song that sings me to sleep every night. I tell myself that it is you calling for me, you are telling me you see me, not to give up because I am close to finding you.

I keep imagining a veil, one that I could just reach my arms through, that would allow me to get to your side. Have you grown in the years that have passed? Can you hear my voice crying out to you? When I say 'I love you', do you say it back to me? The part of me that died with you, is she there taking care of you?

Maybe you can't see that this terrible thing has happened. Maybe you are walking the same winding roads peacefully on the other side of the veil. My heart is weary. 

I close my eyes and imagine kissing your little hands and toes. I see and hear you laugh and smile. Sometimes it's so real, I reach out to touch you. In those moments the silver sun is the warmest and the gentlest. Its so hard to pull away from its deception. Are you in the moon above me? Is that why I can hear your hearts beating? 

My heart is weary. It is a heavy weight in my chest. My heart won't give up. 

Wishing I was celebrating you

Yesterday was the day you were both born. I fell asleep on the couch  on Tuesday night wanting to stay up until 2:20 am and 2:22 am on Wednesday, the time you were taken out of the womb. I failed. A small thing in the big picture, but it made me feel bad inside.

I want to be one of those moms who does something memorable, awesome and sweet to remember you on your birthday but I cannot bring myself to celebrate at all. I just give into feeling sad and angry. I laid on the couch after coming home from dropping Bella off at the bus stop, and I cried. Daddy had to work so I was alone for most of the day.

I showed Bella pictures of the two of you. I tried to explain to her that you are her brothers, and that you were in heaven. I see the two of you in her. I see her and imagine the both of you would look very similar to her. That brings be some kind of ease. She wouldn't be here had the two of you survived. I cannot imagine a world without her.

Kristin thinks of the two of you often. Her tears and questions will go unanswered because I haven't the slightest idea why the two of you died. I asked God to let me see you again this morning, as I lay on the couch crying. I closed my eyes and reached out wishing that there were some invisible tether that would allow me to somehow touch you where ever you are now. It isn't there.

When daddy came home I couldn't look at him. I imagine that if you had grown up to be men, you would look just like him. Its so hard to think about that, you won't ever grow up. You won't ever be here with us and I don't have words to express how sad that makes me, how angry it makes me.

I woke up today feeling like my heart is so heavy. I don't know if I will ever be able to celebrate your birthday. I am not able to do it right now. I love you.

September

September. It is the beginning of the school year, for us here, which means I now have the mornings to myself. It's 7th grade for my oldest one and head-start for my little one. The mornings bring alarm clocks and rushing to get everyone dressed and out of the house so they don't miss the school bus. This morning it was cool out, sweater weather, and it made me nervous. The cool air triggers something in my mind, the season of eclipse is coming and I am trying to stay focused on other things so it doesn't overtake me. This year I don't want to disappear at the end.

You would have been 5 this year. I thought I would be better by this time, but a simple instagram share of another 5 year old starting kindergarten sent my emotions out of control and made my heart so heavy. I wonder what you both would look like. Who would you be at this stage? What would life be like right now had you lived?

I hate this.

I hate that this happened to us. I feel like I am always working on things in my life and never finishing anything because half of me just doesn't want to continue. I have days when I feel like whats the point in all of this. Everyday there is a routine to follow, chores to complete, goals to meet. Its ridiculous that these halves of me can't just become one again. I don't care that she's damaged I just want to feel like I am not wasting this life. I don't want credit for what I am supposed to be doing. I want to shake this and live so that I could feel worthy. Worthy of the fact that I am here and you are not. I would've given my life for yours if I had been given the choice.

Fall is coming. I don't want to fall down this dark hole of grief. I know now, that it is ok not to fall apart. I would give anything to hold you again, and tell you how much mommy loves you...

A Piece of Grief

In a dream, I perceived that I had the ability to separate myself from grief. It was possible through centering all of the emotion and physical exhaustion and opening my mouth to let it out. The process was similar to vomiting and it felt just as bad. It took much longer than I expected to come out and wore me out so badly that I ended up on the ground barely conscious. As I lay there with my face in the vomit I immediately felt that I had made a mistake. To be laying motionless in my own grief, alone, and still feeling like I had not really separated myself from it, was far worse than just allowing it to remain a part of me. 

I know, and have known for a little while now, that there is no real way I can be free of this grief. To be rid of it would be to completely wipe Jonah and Ryan from my memory, and even then, my heart still won't let go, and would fight to make me remember them. There is no way that I could ever do that anyway. If I close my eyes, their faces are vivid in my mind. Their small faces seared into my memory, and I can still feel their warm heads as I kissed them. I remember Ryan's bloody lips and thinking that my son suffered. I knew he had fought because all over the skin on his face was the evidence of a struggle. I remember feeling that he was like me, a fighter, and although he gave it his all,  he lost the fight to stay alive. I worry that he felt panic in his tiny heart. One moment he was OK and the next he was struggling to stay alive. I was so close, yet I could do nothing to help him. He was my beautiful boy and I lost him forever. 

Jonah, my beautiful boy, if he struggled as much as Ryan, he didn't show the evidence of such a struggle. Anyone looking at him would believe he was just asleep. And he was, eternally asleep. His skin was also so warm, but unlike his brother, he was clean and his skin almost glowed. His cheeks were round and soft. I could still see Rene holding him, and hear him proclaim his love for him while tears fell from his eyes. My beautiful sons didn't have a chance. 

I know what death feels like. I carry it in my chest and it reminds me that I will never really be completely alive again. It is there always reminding me that I am not bound to this earth. It reminds me that one day I have a place to go, and that that place is where I will find them. They will be waiting for me, and I will finally be whole again. 

In a Storm

I live in a storm
The storm has made me an amputee
I was once whole and now I will never be again
I can recall the sound of two heartbeats
I once had three within me, now my own beats so loudly
Its trying to make up for the lack of heart beats

I was once more than I will ever be again
I used to know something
I used to feel full of potential
There was once a more substantial purpose I believed in
But now I can't see too far in front of me because tears blur my view

If I could lay all of this down I am not sure I would
I cannot let go
There are unwritten things that can only be understood when you go through the door of the storm

Images of life before this storm appear in lights
They show me the past but I don't really remember
If not for these flashes of light I could believe I didn't exist before the storm

If you would only cause the storm to calm
If you would just say to it "peace"
Then I know I could survive

Music that connected me

"We are not human beings having a spiritual experience, we are spiritual beings having a human experience." Pierre Tellhard de Chardin

Recently my little one has been wanting to listen to "baby music", which is essentially instrumentals of songs we know from K love radio, before bed. The other night while looking for a new station to listen to, I came across a station that said it was for prayer and relaxation. Bella soon fell asleep but I could not. A song came on and it was just so beautiful to listen to. I was so moved by the sounds and all of a sudden I began to think of Jonah and Ryan, and whether or not they were hearing these sounds with me, I felt a strange and warm feeling come over me as I thought of the possibility of somehow being right there with them in a place I could not touch or see.

(Today my heart feels like a bruise in my chest...)

As I laid there and cried all I could pray was that God would please let them know that their earthly mother loves them so much. That they are always in my thoughts and heart and that I wait to see them one day. I hope for that. God knows that I am not where I want to be in this walk with Him. I have to be honest and say that I am terrified of many things. I want to hold on to thoughts of good, but nothing will ever change this part of my life. I will still weep as an old woman, if I get there, as I think of them. The hurt I feel all of the time wears me out. I want very much to live a full life, but I am afraid that I won't ever be able to. I'm not whole...

https://open.spotify.com/track/1uwFuFMAT1D2RL8ImGOKKu

Zombie mom

OK so this blog was inspired by me. After dropping off the little one to daycare, I walked to the car to drive back home and I caught a glimpse of myself in the driver side window. All I could see was ZOMBIE MOM!!! Yes run for your lives here she comes!
OK so I'm looking at my reflection and I am not pleased at all. I know its early morning and all and who am I out here to impress right? Me dammit! The older I have gotten the less interested I am in painting a face on so others could see less blemish. I have dark circles under my eyes, I have had them for years. They aren't going away and most concealers don't do the trick! Even still, whatever! Right??

So yes I look like zombie mom this morning, complete with baggy sweats, dark circles under my eyes, and fuzzy hair poking up in different directions because I took my hat off. I also feel like zombie mom. Not the way you might think, I am not into eating anyone so don't be afraid, your kids are safe. I just feel like I am dragging myself around waiting for something that will inspire a go get 'em response. I feel like I am walking around pretty aimlessly. I think whats happening on the inside of my mind is showing on the outside and man oh man its not pretty.

Zombie mom look sucks. Somethings gotta change.

Fog in my brain

The world is moving all around me. This is a very strange time in my life. I think recently I thought that I was becoming separate from Jonah and Ryan's death. I still do not think I have really been able to comprehend what has happened to me, what has happened to my life.

For now I am sticking to home life with the kids and all of the ups and downs that come along with having removed myself and my family from where we once lived and where our friends and family are. I think it is good for us to have this time where it is almost like we are in a different dimension. Or maybe its me that is in a different dimension. 

I am wondering if God has plucked me out of everything I once knew to put me in a new place where I could just be. I can just be who I am without any eyes or ears or minds to judge me. I can just feel, or not feel just exactly how I want to feel because now I have time. I have time to not snuff out my heartache because no one is expecting me to wear too many hats. With all of this time I am still not in touch with my own feelings and I avoid thinking about them too much because I am so afraid of being completely consumed with the grief that always comes when I begin to remember all of those sad moments.  

I am very prone to embracing distractions. I am binge watching a show right now and it takes up hours of my time and I don't really care. Well that's not 100% true, I think the part of me that cares is not as loud in my head as the part of me that doesn't care. I'm not sure why this is happening. I am accepting life for what it is right now and struggling with what the future holds for me. I am struggling with Gods plan for my life because I haven't a clue what those plans are.

Am I winning or losing right now? Does it matter? I think I'm losing for now, but I have hope that I will be on the winning side soon. 

I don't even know if any of this makes any sense....

Feeling

Feeling so small
So small that crevices in shoes miss me on the sidewalk
Small enough to not even be the thought of a thought
Small enough that no one can see the patterns on my skin
Small enough to not matter in the big picture because I am not in it
Small so so small that my words cannot be heard,
even when I am screaming at the top of my lungs


Feeling so lonely
So lonely that I can't remember the last time someone made me feel like I wasn't alone
So lonely that I talk to myself and have taken on two forms
So lonely the silence scares me, but only because I like it so much now
So lonely that the possibility of company makes me want to crawl up under a rock and hide

Feeling so hurt
So hurt that I can't talk to anyone because everyone is the same
So hurt because I'm so lonely and small
So hurt because no one hears me
So hurt because no one wants to really hear my voice

Feeling so stuck
Stuck in life because all I can see is my one sided, single visioned plan
Stuck because I want to do it all, and be it all but I don't even know where the heck to begin to begin again
Stuck in this foolish repetition expecting something different

Heavyhearted Monday Morning

This morning I stared at Bella as she slept. I always think of the two of you when I do that. The resemblance is remarkable and I find comfort in seeing her face at this age because to me I also see the both of you. I know she is not you and you are not her, but I will take comfort where I can get it.
Today we are home relaxing on a rainy day. You both have been lingering in my thoughts so much its almost as if you are here somewhere in this house. I imagine you playing and running around. I imagine you painting the wooden race cars daddy bought last night. I can hear you laugh as you race the cars with Krisy and Bella around the living room.

This morning my imagination is running wild. I am finding comfort in imagining you here with us. I wish it could be real. We are never whole. I wonder what daddy thinks about when he thinks of you. Does he imagine you growing with time passing? Or does he just replay the things that happened already over and over again? I can imagine the pain in his soul. I can see it in his eyes. I can see that when he looks at Bella his eyes are filled with so much love for her, and I can always see the sadness as he stares at her while thinking of the both of you.

Heavyhearted Monday mornings.  If you can see me, or hear me, or feel me please, please know I love you so much. I never stop thinking of the both of you, ever. You are a part of me forever.

There Will Never Be an End

Today I just want to share things that are in my heart and mind, in no special order.

What is it about grief that draws me into it and I just willingly go? Today I woke up and I knew that I wouldn't be able to shake it off. Today I am remembering details of the day you were both born. I cannot lie, there will always be guilt on my part. I should have gotten up quicker, I should have gone to the hospital sooner. Now these memories are just a reflection of a time that I can never go back to. I will never mend these things, they will always be broken. 

Today I just want to crawl into bed and sleep the day away. I don't want to face myself. I don't want to hear my own voice telling me I have to get up, I have to keep moving. Today I just want to lay down and cry and scream and just let grief overtake me, even if it takes me to a dark place. 

I will never stop asking why. There will never be an answer that would ever be good enough. What is the point in all of this. My heart is broken, deformed, and discolored. Today I just want someone to hold me and let me cry and scream. Today I want to dream of the both of you so I can kiss you again and tell you that I love you. 

I wish I could go to you, wherever you are. I know you still exist somewhere. I feel you in my soul. 

I love you...

Where is my place?

Recently I have been reflecting on the past. I know that thinking about the "what ifs" is purposeless in that nothing that has already happened can be changed.  I wonder why things happened they way they did, who was I when I made these crazy, careless and reckless choices? I am not sure that any of those questions even need to be answered. But it doesn't stop me from imagining what life would've been like if I had made different choices.

This morning, after coffee I laid back down with my little one, just to watch her sleep a bit. I imagined the future and the kind of person I want to be. I want to be someone my girls can one day look at and say that they see something in me and my life that they admire. I want to show them love and strength and confidence. I want them to remember always feeling loved and that I supported all of their hopes and dreams. I also want to be able to look back on my life and not feel like I squandered time and opportunity to do things that would have made me happier, better, more fulfilled as a person.

I admire people who know who they are, who know their place, so to speak, in life. I often feel like I am winging it in life. I always feel like there are still dreams within me that I haven't really defined clearly yet and I hate to admit that a partial reason for this is self-doubt. I'm living my life with blurry vision. There are so many obstacles in my way and I am not sure when or where will they be moved or if I need to be the one to navigate around them or move them myself.

I have to start somewhere. I am typing these words watching the cursor blink on and off, and I relate to its movement; I too blink on and off, one moment everything is visible and in an instant gone again and then visible, and then gone again. I don't want to be like this cursor. I want to have vision. I want to be able to create and to give birth to all of these dreams I have within me.

Where is my place? How far am I? Am I on the cusp of my destiny? Will this terrible addiction to procrastination destroy any future attempts to take on and fulfill what I initially start out to do? I don't want to live a mediocre life. I don't want to just exist. I want to live and breath my purpose.