Is it ok? I tell myself..

"You are almost dead. You are not in a grave but soon enough, you will be."

I tell myself that on nights like tonight when I can feel my heart filling with hatred for you.

I tell myself that at my age I should be done with this anger, that these tears can't possibly be the remnant from an old life I have tried with all my might to stash away, but nonetheless, they flow out of my soul like blood coming from a fresh wound.

I tell myself that the lump in my throat is only in my mind, and the sick feeling I am feeling right now is me giving in to anxiety which is not real, so I shouldn't feel it even if I do feel it because I don't have time to feel it and people depend on me to have it all together.

I tell myself that there is nothing I can do about the past, and even if there was, what could I possibly do now that would heal or erase the violation of the purest trust?

I tell myself that replaying the horrors over and over again on a loop, that I cannot control, is bad, bad, bad for me, but I cannot stop the movie in my mind from replaying without interruption.

I tell myself that there is no one in the world that wants to hear my story because everyone is powerless to change it, it is mine and no one else can feel how I feel, so I bottle it up inside. I have spent too much of my life hiding this rage.

I tell myself that poor people don't have time to stop and get the help we need because we have bills and things, and life has to go on for the sake of my kids. If I drop the ball now, everything will come tumbling down and when failure follows, it will be my fault and everyone will blame me for their shortcomings and I will believe them and absorb all of their contempt into the deep recesses of my soul.

I tell myself that the whole world can see me naked in my suit of shame and their eyes look at me with pity, "poor lady" they say. Can I then finish dying of this terrible illness that has been plaguing my soul?

Tomorrow I will face the world with a mask on. Everyone will look at it and tell me how fine it really is and I will pretend I don't notice them staring at me, or are they?

I tell myself it will all be ok soon. I don't believe it.

I can't sleep

It is 1:03 am on a Thursday and I can't fall asleep. Ogres are threatening to invade this new world I have been living in for the last few years. I can't hear or see them but I can smell them. The stench is unbearable and it makes my stomach feel uneasy like when something bad has happened and life has been changed forever. You know the feeling, it makes you feel like you need to puke but nothing comes out, so you sit there just hoping sleep will take it all away.

I can't sleep. I am feeling a very uncomfortable and familiar anxiety about someone coming into my room at night to poke me with his fingers while I pretend to be asleep because I am so paralyzed with fear I can barely breath. I hear keys and steps and there is a crack of light and the sound of footsteps getting closer and closer and closer. There is a voice that calls me by a nickname my sweet grandma gave me and I cannot remain in my skin when he says it because my grandma loves me with a pure heart and she gave me that name and how dare he use it?! If I lay still and close my eyes maybe he will believe I am asleep and I will believe it too and he can do what he came to do and get it over with so I can come back into my body and go to sleep finally because I am so tired.

I can't sleep because I am not that girl anymore but I can still feel her living inside of my heart and I have hidden her away in a dark room trying to pretend she is fine but I know better.

I hate these damn sleeping ogres who camp out next to my new world, stinking it up with their fowl bodies.