Feeling

Feeling so small
So small that crevices in shoes miss me on the sidewalk
Small enough to not even be the thought of a thought
Small enough that no one can see the patterns on my skin
Small enough to not matter in the big picture because I am not in it
Small so so small that my words cannot be heard,
even when I am screaming at the top of my lungs


Feeling so lonely
So lonely that I can't remember the last time someone made me feel like I wasn't alone
So lonely that I talk to myself and have taken on two forms
So lonely the silence scares me, but only because I like it so much now
So lonely that the possibility of company makes me want to crawl up under a rock and hide

Feeling so hurt
So hurt that I can't talk to anyone because everyone is the same
So hurt because I'm so lonely and small
So hurt because no one hears me
So hurt because no one wants to really hear my voice

Feeling so stuck
Stuck in life because all I can see is my one sided, single visioned plan
Stuck because I want to do it all, and be it all but I don't even know where the heck to begin to begin again
Stuck in this foolish repetition expecting something different

Heavyhearted Monday Morning

This morning I stared at Bella as she slept. I always think of the two of you when I do that. The resemblance is remarkable and I find comfort in seeing her face at this age because to me I also see the both of you. I know she is not you and you are not her, but I will take comfort where I can get it.
Today we are home relaxing on a rainy day. You both have been lingering in my thoughts so much its almost as if you are here somewhere in this house. I imagine you playing and running around. I imagine you painting the wooden race cars daddy bought last night. I can hear you laugh as you race the cars with Krisy and Bella around the living room.

This morning my imagination is running wild. I am finding comfort in imagining you here with us. I wish it could be real. We are never whole. I wonder what daddy thinks about when he thinks of you. Does he imagine you growing with time passing? Or does he just replay the things that happened already over and over again? I can imagine the pain in his soul. I can see it in his eyes. I can see that when he looks at Bella his eyes are filled with so much love for her, and I can always see the sadness as he stares at her while thinking of the both of you.

Heavyhearted Monday mornings.  If you can see me, or hear me, or feel me please, please know I love you so much. I never stop thinking of the both of you, ever. You are a part of me forever.

There Will Never Be an End

Today I just want to share things that are in my heart and mind, in no special order.

What is it about grief that draws me into it and I just willingly go? Today I woke up and I knew that I wouldn't be able to shake it off. Today I am remembering details of the day you were both born. I cannot lie, there will always be guilt on my part. I should have gotten up quicker, I should have gone to the hospital sooner. Now these memories are just a reflection of a time that I can never go back to. I will never mend these things, they will always be broken. 

Today I just want to crawl into bed and sleep the day away. I don't want to face myself. I don't want to hear my own voice telling me I have to get up, I have to keep moving. Today I just want to lay down and cry and scream and just let grief overtake me, even if it takes me to a dark place. 

I will never stop asking why. There will never be an answer that would ever be good enough. What is the point in all of this. My heart is broken, deformed, and discolored. Today I just want someone to hold me and let me cry and scream. Today I want to dream of the both of you so I can kiss you again and tell you that I love you. 

I wish I could go to you, wherever you are. I know you still exist somewhere. I feel you in my soul. 

I love you...

Where is my place?

Recently I have been reflecting on the past. I know that thinking about the "what ifs" is purposeless in that nothing that has already happened can be changed.  I wonder why things happened they way they did, who was I when I made these crazy, careless and reckless choices? I am not sure that any of those questions even need to be answered. But it doesn't stop me from imagining what life would've been like if I had made different choices.

This morning, after coffee I laid back down with my little one, just to watch her sleep a bit. I imagined the future and the kind of person I want to be. I want to be someone my girls can one day look at and say that they see something in me and my life that they admire. I want to show them love and strength and confidence. I want them to remember always feeling loved and that I supported all of their hopes and dreams. I also want to be able to look back on my life and not feel like I squandered time and opportunity to do things that would have made me happier, better, more fulfilled as a person.

I admire people who know who they are, who know their place, so to speak, in life. I often feel like I am winging it in life. I always feel like there are still dreams within me that I haven't really defined clearly yet and I hate to admit that a partial reason for this is self-doubt. I'm living my life with blurry vision. There are so many obstacles in my way and I am not sure when or where will they be moved or if I need to be the one to navigate around them or move them myself.

I have to start somewhere. I am typing these words watching the cursor blink on and off, and I relate to its movement; I too blink on and off, one moment everything is visible and in an instant gone again and then visible, and then gone again. I don't want to be like this cursor. I want to have vision. I want to be able to create and to give birth to all of these dreams I have within me.

Where is my place? How far am I? Am I on the cusp of my destiny? Will this terrible addiction to procrastination destroy any future attempts to take on and fulfill what I initially start out to do? I don't want to live a mediocre life. I don't want to just exist. I want to live and breath my purpose.