Where is my place?

Recently I have been reflecting on the past. I know that thinking about the "what ifs" is purposeless in that nothing that has already happened can be changed.  I wonder why things happened they way they did, who was I when I made these crazy, careless and reckless choices? I am not sure that any of those questions even need to be answered. But it doesn't stop me from imagining what life would've been like if I had made different choices.

This morning, after coffee I laid back down with my little one, just to watch her sleep a bit. I imagined the future and the kind of person I want to be. I want to be someone my girls can one day look at and say that they see something in me and my life that they admire. I want to show them love and strength and confidence. I want them to remember always feeling loved and that I supported all of their hopes and dreams. I also want to be able to look back on my life and not feel like I squandered time and opportunity to do things that would have made me happier, better, more fulfilled as a person.

I admire people who know who they are, who know their place, so to speak, in life. I often feel like I am winging it in life. I always feel like there are still dreams within me that I haven't really defined clearly yet and I hate to admit that a partial reason for this is self-doubt. I'm living my life with blurry vision. There are so many obstacles in my way and I am not sure when or where will they be moved or if I need to be the one to navigate around them or move them myself.

I have to start somewhere. I am typing these words watching the cursor blink on and off, and I relate to its movement; I too blink on and off, one moment everything is visible and in an instant gone again and then visible, and then gone again. I don't want to be like this cursor. I want to have vision. I want to be able to create and to give birth to all of these dreams I have within me.

Where is my place? How far am I? Am I on the cusp of my destiny? Will this terrible addiction to procrastination destroy any future attempts to take on and fulfill what I initially start out to do? I don't want to live a mediocre life. I don't want to just exist. I want to live and breath my purpose.