Yesterday was the day you were both born. I fell asleep on the couch on Tuesday night wanting to stay up until 2:20 am and 2:22 am on Wednesday, the time you were taken out of the womb. I failed. A small thing in the big picture, but it made me feel bad inside.
I want to be one of those moms who does something memorable, awesome and sweet to remember you on your birthday but I cannot bring myself to celebrate at all. I just give into feeling sad and angry. I laid on the couch after coming home from dropping Bella off at the bus stop, and I cried. Daddy had to work so I was alone for most of the day.
I showed Bella pictures of the two of you. I tried to explain to her that you are her brothers, and that you were in heaven. I see the two of you in her. I see her and imagine the both of you would look very similar to her. That brings be some kind of ease. She wouldn't be here had the two of you survived. I cannot imagine a world without her.
Kristin thinks of the two of you often. Her tears and questions will go unanswered because I haven't the slightest idea why the two of you died. I asked God to let me see you again this morning, as I lay on the couch crying. I closed my eyes and reached out wishing that there were some invisible tether that would allow me to somehow touch you where ever you are now. It isn't there.
When daddy came home I couldn't look at him. I imagine that if you had grown up to be men, you would look just like him. Its so hard to think about that, you won't ever grow up. You won't ever be here with us and I don't have words to express how sad that makes me, how angry it makes me.
I woke up today feeling like my heart is so heavy. I don't know if I will ever be able to celebrate your birthday. I am not able to do it right now. I love you.
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