September

September. It is the beginning of the school year, for us here, which means I now have the mornings to myself. It's 7th grade for my oldest one and head-start for my little one. The mornings bring alarm clocks and rushing to get everyone dressed and out of the house so they don't miss the school bus. This morning it was cool out, sweater weather, and it made me nervous. The cool air triggers something in my mind, the season of eclipse is coming and I am trying to stay focused on other things so it doesn't overtake me. This year I don't want to disappear at the end.

You would have been 5 this year. I thought I would be better by this time, but a simple instagram share of another 5 year old starting kindergarten sent my emotions out of control and made my heart so heavy. I wonder what you both would look like. Who would you be at this stage? What would life be like right now had you lived?

I hate this.

I hate that this happened to us. I feel like I am always working on things in my life and never finishing anything because half of me just doesn't want to continue. I have days when I feel like whats the point in all of this. Everyday there is a routine to follow, chores to complete, goals to meet. Its ridiculous that these halves of me can't just become one again. I don't care that she's damaged I just want to feel like I am not wasting this life. I don't want credit for what I am supposed to be doing. I want to shake this and live so that I could feel worthy. Worthy of the fact that I am here and you are not. I would've given my life for yours if I had been given the choice.

Fall is coming. I don't want to fall down this dark hole of grief. I know now, that it is ok not to fall apart. I would give anything to hold you again, and tell you how much mommy loves you...