For now I am sticking to home life with the kids and all of the ups and downs that come along with having removed myself and my family from where we once lived and where our friends and family are. I think it is good for us to have this time where it is almost like we are in a different dimension. Or maybe its me that is in a different dimension.
I am wondering if God has plucked me out of everything I once knew to put me in a new place where I could just be. I can just be who I am without any eyes or ears or minds to judge me. I can just feel, or not feel just exactly how I want to feel because now I have time. I have time to not snuff out my heartache because no one is expecting me to wear too many hats. With all of this time I am still not in touch with my own feelings and I avoid thinking about them too much because I am so afraid of being completely consumed with the grief that always comes when I begin to remember all of those sad moments.
I am very prone to embracing distractions. I am binge watching a show right now and it takes up hours of my time and I don't really care. Well that's not 100% true, I think the part of me that cares is not as loud in my head as the part of me that doesn't care. I'm not sure why this is happening. I am accepting life for what it is right now and struggling with what the future holds for me. I am struggling with Gods plan for my life because I haven't a clue what those plans are.
Am I winning or losing right now? Does it matter? I think I'm losing for now, but I have hope that I will be on the winning side soon.
I don't even know if any of this makes any sense....
Makes perfect sense. I think we all have similar feelings at times so I can only imagine that yours are multiplied immensely. I know you will come out on the winning side. Love you.
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