She wont let go, I wont let go

 The me that exists inside, is fine with not coming out to see the light of day ever. She is telling me that it is ok to stay there with her and my sons, and I am mesmerized by this idea and I give in and despair. I only became aware of "her" existence recently. She is the part of me that is not traumatized by this great loss because she is there holding Jonah and Ryan, stroking their heads kissing their faces, denying reality. I am divided in two, I exist where you all can see me, and I exist there with her and them and I love the place she is at because I get to be with them as well. This is my hiding place, my refuge when everything else on the outside is forcing me into reality.

I have recently been overcome with a draining sadness. Its becoming harder and harder to block the world out of this hiding place, because the real world is invading. I am both furious and devastated that I cannot continue the false hope that I can mend what has happened and reconcile both worlds. I can no longer linger with her for too long because it is becoming a scary place to be in. What once made me feel almost safe now makes me feel scared and lonely. It was always so, but denial blurred my vision.

 If I don't do something, the real me, the one I see in the mirror, the one that is typing now, will never feel alive again. And I want to live, I want to feel life and be connected again to the world. I want to laugh without guilt. I want to love without sorrow, I want to feel alive. But this means I have to confront her. I have to tell her that I cant stay with her. I have to bring her to the light of reality and give her a choice to live or die. And choosing to die means accepting the fact that Jonah and Ryan are not there, they are not here. They in fact died. And I'm not ready to let her know, because I'm still holding on to them with a vicious grip. I wont let go. So how can I ask her to?

I'm afraid of her, the betrayal I can imagine she will feel when I try to show her what I already know has happened, will be like a knife in her heart. I have made it this far only because she protected me. She covered me when I was exposed, she caressed my faced when tears burned into my skin. I cant say goodbye because she will take them with her. I wont let her leave, I know I don't have the strength. But I'm afraid of disappearing.