Coming home??

As I stepped back into my apartment after being away for a three day weekend, I felt like I crossed over into a different dimension. A fog I couldn't shake overtook me, I felt as if I were going in and out of focus. I tried to shake it off, after all my little sister was turning the big 24, she deserved for our dinner out as a family to be about her and drama free.
When I got home I felt drained, and sad. Our trip to Massachusetts to see our very dear friends was filled with many emotions; lots of laughs and good times, but a church visit was overwhelmingly sad. It was in that very church that a minister prayed for Rene and I to bless us with a baby two years ago. It was a month afterwards that I got pregnant with Jonah and Ryan. It was bitter to be there without them. I could imagine them there with us, the true pure answer to my deepest prayers, now just the reminder of the most devastating event in my life, and the reality that this path I'm currently walking on has ensnared me in a vicious cycle that I wont fight to untangle makes me want to crawl under a rock. The tears flowed. I looked over at Rene holding my baby girl, and the thought that she is here because they are not hardened my face." I love you Bella, so much, but you aren't them." After I thought this I felt sad, because she should never have to be in that place in my thoughts, but sometimes she is, and I feel guilty about that. She is the joy in my days, my beautiful miracle that I cherish every moment, and I have to make that clear because it is important. But she is Bella, not Jonah or Ryan, and even though I know no one will fill the void they have left in me, I think I secretly hoped she would make it smaller. Its not that easy, children are irreplaceable.
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