New places new names

I am no longer a New Yorker, well I still have a NY state ID but I have officially moved out of New York for good. This move is the last stop on what has been a series of moves motivated by confusion, pain and feeling like wherever I went I could not put down any roots. I have made one of the most adult decisions I could make; I bought a house. Well Rene and I bought a house. I love my house. I am loving being a stay at home mom again as well, although lately I have been dealing with some confusing feelings about daily life and what my days should consist of.

So on week three of being home with the kids I did it, I Googled " what to do as a stay at home mom?" As I saw the endless ideas for crafts, cooking, organizing, teaching, and activities I began to panic. Instead of seeing these suggestions and ideas as a way to master this new post I am in right now, I saw it as a measure of what I should be doing and how I needed to somehow meet up to a standard I'm not sure about. Sure I want to be this grand super mom, sure I want to be a master cook and a master baker, and sure I want to be the mom who can post about this wonderful activity schedule I have created for my kids along with being a teacher, counselor, launderer, money saving maniac mom who somehow finds time to write a book, or a blog, or anything worth reading. Of course I also want to be super fit and look amazing while feeling like I'm on a rollercoaster ride on the inside, but never showing it on the outside.

I'm thinking my lack of discipline is what is blocking my minds eye. Setting a schedule is probably the hardest part since schedules make me feel like my time isn't my own, and if I cant keep it while managing to keep up with all of the unexpected things that come up, then somehow I have failed. Lately I have realized more than ever that the standards I view as important to measure up to are getting in the way of finding out who I want to be in my life. I don't only mean that as a mom, I mean that in general. What and who the heck am I going to be? I mean I already know its not going to be the kind of moms I see on these websites that seem like they just want to be a part of something bigger, so they join all of these groups and engage in hobbies with and for their young kids to keep some fun in their lives. Or is that a lie? Times flying and my kids are getting big fast. I want them to be able to look back and remember me as someone who always took care of them and made their life sweet and funny and warm. I want to fit into the shoes of those moms who seem like they have got this super mom thing down to a science.

I don't know where to start. With all of the resources at hand I still feel like I'm in way over my head.