sad moments

It's moments like this ; sitting in the living room at a friends house living life. This moment makes me sad. It takes me to a place where I exist with my sons. I close my eyes and see them walking around playing together. She is here with me, smiling and helping me care for them, the part of me who won't let go of illusions and fantasy. I keep making excuses as to why I entertain her denial. To break her heart would devastate everything. So we sit back and watch them together. I am sad. I know in my heart they aren't here but I have to smile through the pain and shake away the tears that are fighting a war with my stubborn will. I'm sad because they are not here and my heart is filled with grief that life goes on and on and they won't ever be a part of our everyday lives. They exists to Rene and I, and her. To the rest of you, your lives have not been impacted by this like it has ours. I am sad because we still laugh and smile. I am sad because we gather with our friends and family and Jonah and Ryan can't be with us. I'm sad.